Fear of Feeling

Fear of Feeling

Emotions are for the weak?….

I have never fully allowed myself to fully feel my emotions. I never liked the way I felt after something bad or undesirable happened. So ive spent most of my life avoiding those feelings

I never liked the way it made me feel on the inside. I never liked how it made me react as a human being. I told myself that the only feeling I want to have is one of happiness and joy. I catered my life around feeling only happiness and avoiding anything that brings me the slightest taste of inconvenience or unhappiness. Its so bad that I avoid having conversations with people because I do not want them to ask me for thins and then id have to say no and disappoint them. 

The avoidance of feeling anything negative started to impact my entire life to the point that I don’t allow myself to even feel joy because I think that if I feel joy then something bad is definitely going to happen right away. For example I have been a Raptors fan for years; we recently won the NBA Championship. This is the pinnacle of achievement for the team that I call my team but I didn’t allow myself to fully be excited because all I’m thinking about is what happens when Kawhi leaves are we going to go back into turmoil? Are we going to start losing again. I didn’t allow myself to feel the ecstasy that the raptors are NBA champions and I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the moment. 

This made me think about movies. I go to the movies at least once a week. In movies, the really good ones show the trials and tribulations of life intimately. They show the beginning, the struggle and how the character(s) were able to evolve. The show the details of how the characters deal with their issues, confront their demons and move on. There is usually a Happy ending and that’s the only part people remember. Thats what I remembered but looking back now the struggle is what I really gravitated towards. I lived my life vicariously through he movies because they’re able to do the things I’m not able to do in real life. 

Right now in my life I am moving through life trying to feel every feeling and align myself with the ones that elevate me. This doesn’t mean I ignore the bad feelings or push them away, because without sadness there is no joy and without struggle there is no triumph. This just means I feel the negative emotions let them run their course and let them go. I have come to believe that feeling the feeling and letting it go is better than pushing it aside, ignoring it or hoping it magically goes away because it never does. It manifests itself in so many different ways. I am choosing to align myself with the feelings that allow me to grow as human being. Learning from my mistakes and doing the work to become the best version of myself on a daily basis. 

This is just the next step in my continuous path towards fulfilling my truth on this planet.

I love listening to podcasts because they bring me a sense of understanding of the world that I never would have had if not for them. Yesterday I was listening to a podcast about feeling emotions. On this podcast the speaker was talking about expressing emotions then the inspiration for this blog post hit me

Here’s a link to the podcast episode. I’m sure you’ll love it